The Department of Minor Emergencies

At 8:07 on Monday morning, my coffee maker stopped blinking.

Not brewing. Not exploding. Not even leaking in a dramatic, Oscar-worthy way. It simply stopped blinking, which in my apartment is the international signal for: “Something has gone terribly wrong, and it is probably personal.”

I called the Department of Minor Emergencies.

America already has 911 for actual emergencies. The Department of Minor Emergencies is for everything else: a phone at 2%, a missing left sock, a Wi-Fi router with an attitude, and the mysterious sound your refrigerator makes only when you are trying to sleep.

“What seems to be the crisis?” asked the operator.

“My coffee maker has lost the will to blink.”

There was a long pause. Then she said, “Sir, please step away from the appliance. Is anyone in the home awake enough to make decisions?”

Within minutes, a small red truck arrived. Three specialists entered my kitchen wearing reflective vests and carrying equipment that looked suspiciously like extension cords from a hardware store.

The first examined the machine. The second interviewed the toaster. The third wrote “MORALE LOW” on a clipboard.

“This is serious,” the team leader said. “Your coffee maker is experiencing Monday.”

Apparently, it had spent the entire weekend producing coffee without receiving a single compliment. By Monday morning, it had reached a level of emotional exhaustion normally seen only in office printers and people waiting for customer support.

The solution was simple. We unplugged it, waited ten seconds, and said, “You’re doing great.”

The light came back on.

I paid the bill, which included a service fee, a convenience fee, and an emotional-support surcharge for the toaster. Still, it was worth it. By 8:43, I had coffee, the kitchen was safe, and the toaster had begun a promising new chapter.

In a country built on freedom, I believe every appliance deserves the freedom to have a rough Monday. But if your blender starts journaling or your microwave asks for a raise, please call the Department of Minor Emergencies.

They are standing by, probably somewhere near the snack aisle.